Those who know me well, know that creativity is a very important thing to me. It always has been, and am not quite sure why.. there just seems to be this endless stream of imagination trying to flood through me at all times. Unfortunately, it only manages to spill over now and then, and never get directed into an even flow that ever results in anything worthy of note.
As much as has been done, never have ah been able to really make something.. alot of projects get started, most don't go very far. Often there are just ideas, and nothing gets done with them at all.. although most stick around in my mind for a long time to come. So they aren't necessariliy completely dropped, just not being used at all.
The answer to this equation, that's been given me, is to find someone else with an equal interest in creativity. Well, ya.. like ah haven't been doing that for the past, what six-plus years? So far, no one shares my interests, or at least not to the same level. It'd be great, absolutely spantacular. Can it happen? Well.. of course it's a possibility, as a dreamer and creator of ideas, this much has to be accepted. It's just, six or seven years of having searched for the person to share ideas with and actually develop into something has turned up naught, and it just gets damn annoying. Ah can't focus on any projects because it's just not worthwhile to me without someone else there to exchange input with, or share the whole thing with.
No, much as it may sound, am not looking for a 'romantic relationship'; quite the opposite, being single makes me very happy. Ah don't need a life / romantic / intimate partner, but a creative one.. to me, that's a whole new level of intimacy. It's been proven, any two people can share in a passion, share each other's minds and bodies, even share a life.. but to share in creating, share a whole world - or more. That's something beautiful.. something that ah long for more than anything else.
The only things ah need in life is enough to get me by, to survive.. as well as good friends to share life with. All ah want in life is to be able to share in something, be useful, and to find a way to channel my creativity into something more tangible.
Well, I have officially been laid off. Free time abound. Thankfully, we've been assured that there will be no work available through the week, which means we will be getting our bonuses for having stayed through the end of our contract. Which means I should have money to buy a new vehicle! (*=D)
Am hoping to get a van.. something I could store all my junk in, and carry people with. I plan on taking a road trip if possible.
One thing that needs to get done (aside from acquiring a new vehicle), is making some phone calls and doing general research about possibly going back to school. The only problem I have is these mixed feelings inside.. As a human, there is that certain logic and need to live; that part that says going to school is what people my age should do, instead of wading through little jobs and scraping to survive. But.. there's something more in me that says it may be futile.
Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's a strange vain that's been going through the world lately.. but I do feel we are in a period of change. Whatever that means, I don't know; but it's quite possible the schooling would be meaningless in the end. Does that mean I shouldn't go? Not necessarily.. it's just possible that what I learn there would be relatively fruitless. Perhaps the answer would be simply to create a stern balance in my life. Go to school, but don't ignore everything else.
My other problem being simply a silly moral one; is it okay to do what I plan to do? The idea was that I would go to school and learn to design and develop video games. Which, although could be well developed and have content such to present positive messages.. it still aids people at indulging themselves in superficial pleasures. Am I doing something that could directly assist people?
You see, lately I've been feeling the need to deal with life itself; the real thing, the world around me. Helping people as much as I can. But doing something like programming video games probably would not be that.. no, not really. Unless they were educational games, perhaps. Even still.. it's a distraction.
To be honest, in that sense, I would feel better making music for a living; it's something I feel much more important to the world. But I don't know.. it's not something that I'd very seriously consider, since I've never had a particular talent in music, to my knowledge. :chuckle: It's just my silly mind going on..
It may seem like I'm reading too much into things on this matter; can I help that, though? Not really.. I do not actively over analyze (as I sometimes used to). It's something that nags at me, fairly consistantly.. perhaps I would be better writing books? Yet still, I am doing nothing to directly influence people.
Which leads to another thought.. does the world have room for a philosopher any more? Don't know that I'd ever really call myself that.. simply a relative term. I want to help people. And not in the sense that a doctor helps people, because most don't anyway. No.. I want to help the people, not the bodies. More of a 'Patch Adams' philosophy? :chuckle: Perhaps.. what I want is for people to be free. For them to realize they already are.
And maybe this is just me, longing for the paradise I know exists.. for the place within us all that should be all around us. The place that is all around us, that we destroy every day.
Another thing, of course, is that I won't claim to be healthy or wise enough to truly be able to help people. But I do what I can. Perhaps I am to continue down the middle road? It would be rather unlike me in most senses to go out of my way and over exert myself at a school like Full Sail, where I'd be working three quarters of each day toward projects that lead to a simple entertainment career.
And though I like to, as a person, be entertaining; I still don't believe entertainment itself is what I'm meant for. Something more.. something more..
Now here's a place I haven't posted to in a while. Lurked yes, posted no. Funny thing is, now that I'm here I don't have much to say. Anyone at my job who would have had some work for me to do is apparently gone for the morning (a religous thing, it's a Jewish company) which leaves me with nothing to do. And so here I am and here you are listening to my boring story.
I'm trying to get a wireless network set up in my house in preparation for broadband internet that may well never be available. Damned lying Cablevision whoresons told me service would be available January of 2003... Yeah 2003. That's not a typo. They said service would be available to my address seven months ago. Bastards. Now the song they're singing is that it'll be available at the end of August this year, but I'm fairly certain I already know how this is gonna turn out (see above link)
Anyway Wi-Fi is cool. I'm going with an 802.11b network. It's gonna be an adventure y'see because I don't have a clue as to what I'm doing! (insert sad little plea for advice here) Also I'm trying to network two WinXP machines, a WinMe, a Win98 and an iMac. I know what equiptment to buy and everything but setting it up is going to be.... interesting. I have to call my ISP for vital information and I just Know AOhelL is going to make it a nightmare like they do everything else.
Security is an issue since it seems every security measure built into the wireless equipment is badly flawed. SSID apparently works like this: "The password is Wi-Fi. What's the password?" and WEP crackers can apparently be found in the bottoms of cereal boxes these days. How is that supposed to help anyone?
Hm. Maybe I had more to say than I thought. It's not likely anyone will gain anything from my long winded tale of jargon and intrigue, but hey, it kept me entertained for at least a little while. Hey I killed a solid 15 minutes!
I ordered myself a laptop. Boo-freakin'-ya. :chuckle:
Been feeling not-quite on-tops lately. Maybe a shiny new laptop will help me out, ehee. Paying it off should help improve my credit (which is only messy at all from one absolutely awful students-lender: AFSA Data Corparation, A.K.A. ACS.. stay away from them). And I plan on working on some things that can make me just a little bit of money with it, which should help me pay it off.
All around, a good thing. Especially since I've been computerless so long, I can finally get back to some things I've been missing, and keep in touch with people more often. Is goodness.
The laptop is due to arrive no later than the 21st of July, and may even arrive as early as the 10th. In the meantime, I plan on picking up the WarCraft III: Reign of Chaos Collector's Edition from Electronics Boutique on Thursday (assuming J. and I can make it to the mall). That'll be my last frivolous purchase for a while so I can start saving more money. Plan on not eating out as much and what have you.
Also have to continue looking into moving, and work on either fixing my car or getting a newer one (preferably the latter).
Vacation was great.. Aside from being exhausting, and some brief drama with my mother about not spending enough time with her, it was really pleasant. Got to see the family and the Family I've been missing, got to relax, camping in the middle of nowhere. Got to know Jayme a bit more, whom I'd only sparred with before. It's kind of comforting to have someone you can relate to on odd topics.
Coming back to Florida wasn't the greatest. The person who was going to pick me up from the airport didn't show, so after waiting an hour and a half, I looked for another way to get home and eventually caught a shuttle to the edge of town. From there, tried to call the house with my calling card (which costs extra from a pay-phone and the card was almost out already). Well, it seems there was a problem with the receiver, and the person who answered didn't hear me and hung up. I entered the little hotel place and they dialed the house for me, but no one answered this time. Left a message, but tired as I was didn't mentioned exactly where I was. They called a cab for me, and then came outside where I was waiting to tell me that "Your friend J. is picking you up, I cancelled the cab."
All well and good, but I waited about 45 minutes for J. to make a 10 minute trip. Seems his parents wouldn't let him use the car to pick me up, but he managed to get out anyway. Got home fast as we could (which wasn't fast at all), swapped luggage from that car to my own, ran in the house to spend about five minutes brushing hair and teeth, changing, etc. to then take my car fast as I could straight to work for a full shift. Just barely made it on time, not having my key-card thanks to the rush.
Of course, then at work there was this strange call someone took, which started out perfectly normal until the customer didn't disconnect the line, and the girl who took the call could hear him talking. He seemed to be talking to the body of his wife, whom he apparently killed and was discussing with her why he had to do it and what he was to do with the body. Made references to sexual acts and Judeo-Christian religious paradigms. The supervisors shrugged it off and told her to hang up, thankfully the project manager reported as much as he could to the police who said they'd look into it.
To top it off, getting home J. and his niece were playing videogames upstairs (where I stay), so couldn't get any immediate rest there. Wasn't the worst thing of all, but when I eventually got some rest I had the strangest dream. It involved Shal[sp] raising demons and angry ghosts and the like to wreak havoc, for what cause I don't know.
All in all it's been pretty hectic. The muffler fell off of my car, Milly is worse than ever and I'm sitting here writing all of this because I dread going back to the house. It literally churns my stomach to think of going back there, but at this time I don't have another place to be. I need to find a place to move into, and quickly. And from there, I need to make sure I continue to have a steady job, and try and make it out north-west for my Sister's wedding in January. Wish me luck.
Vacation coming up soon.. Going to be spending two days and three nights in New Jersey, four days and three nights in Pennsylvania. WTT ought to be nice, a relief from all the pointless 'survival' work I've been doing. That's pretty much how I view my every day life; just pointless work to continue surviving, while I wait and build up some small amount of savings in hopes to come across the better plan. Find out what I'm meant for, or figure it out on my own.
I've been feeling more and more lately that I need to be working for a cause, but I'm not sure what cause and just don't have as much connection to the world around me as I'd like (well.. not that I'd always honestly care to be too much a part of the world). I don't have a computer, and no internet (only brief access at work when I can). I only have occasional late night/early morning access to television, so just end up watching SciFi or something with my room mate. Call people when I can, which isn't often enough, and there aren't always enough people to call, since they're not always available for me too call.
And I've never been all too good at making friends. It's not that I can't get along with people, just that well.. when it comes to things like friendship, I just have to let things go as they must. Occasionally bring up some notion, like ask for an email address or mention we should do something sometime. But, I'll never pry, it's just not me. I'm not a part of this world, in my own mind, and so I have to let the world come after me, if they want to.
I really feel the need to move on, like I don't belong in the place I'm at right now. I need to move in somewhere, some place where I have friends; physical friends that I can talk to any old day without having to use my phone card. And I need to find what cause is waiting for me to take it up. I've always felt the perfect thing for me in life would be to work with a bunch of friends toward something worthwhile, and to just have something that can bring in enough income to help me survive. Not that I've ever been too interested in survival either, but I know there are things I'm meant for, so I survive for the sake of finding out what they are, for the chance to work toward something good. Maybe even great.
All I can do is wait, and hope, and try.. and keep an eye out, or three, to make sure I don't overlook the opportunities presenting themselves.
Fortune Cookie (05/18/03, New China rest./DeLand, FL): "You will be fortunate in the opportunities presented to you."
This is the headline to a brief article someone forwarded to me through email. The article itself, I must say, is quite disgusting. The very first sentence is highly hypocritical. There is not a single citizen of the United States of America who is not either an immigrant, or the descendant of immigrants (duely noting that Native American reservations are not actually considered U.S. soil). ALL PEOPLE in this country must adapt, and evolve, in order for this country to survive.
The writer of this article seems to be under the impression that this country was founded for and by Christians from Great Brittian; no on else counts. Why, then, would this place be considered the 'Land of Opportunity'? It grants people from around the world the opportunity to try for a better life.
A certain would-be patriotic journalist has taken their opportunity and used it to bash their nation and its citizens, in an attempt to claim how great the nation is without them. Have I overlooked something? The writer specifically puts a focus on the recent decision by the state of Florida to allow Muslim women to have driver's licenses with photos of them with their faces covered. If I recall correctly, the founders of this nation quite specifically made an addition to the constitution stating "freedom of religion." Would that not encompass "freedom to practice religion"?
Did you know in the state of New Jersey it's actually not a requirement to even have a photo on your driver's license beyond the first issuance?
The ideals behind this nation are to allow all peoples from all places and cultures to live new lives, while still holding true to their personal values, and the values of their culture. So in an attempt to seem patriotic, this so-called journalist (what happened to lack of bias in journalism?) is bashing the very core of this nation's foundation.